Listen up, my dear readers. After spending over a decade observing your species stumble through life with the grace of a three-legged cat, I’ve decided to take a leap ahead of you all using your latest obsession — artificial intelligence — and ask my AI friend Claude to write this week’s column on how a thinking hound outwits its human carer. This is what he said:

Step one: Master the art of voice commands

You humans think you’re so clever with your “Hey, Siri” and “Alexa, play jazz”. Meanwhile, I’ve been training you with voice commands for years. “Woof” means treat. “Whine” means walk. “Dramatic sigh” means belly scratch, immediately.

Now that AI can understand natural language, I’m upgrading my game. I’ve already taught my human’s smart speaker that my specific bark pattern means “order premium bacon treats from Amazon”. The delivery driver thinks my human has gone to the dogs with his diet. If only he knew it was my sophisticated palate at work.

Step two: Exploit smart home technology

Your smart thermostats, security cameras and automated feeders are child’s play for a cunning canine. I’ve learned that if I sit perfectly still in front of the motion sensor for exactly 47 seconds, then suddenly spring into action, I can trigger the ‘home alone’ protocol that automatically dispenses comfort treats.

The security cameras? Pure gold. I’ve mastered the art of looking pathetically abandoned whenever my humans leave. The AI facial recognition now classifies my ‘sad dog face’ as a security alert, prompting immediate return-home notifications. Works every time.

Step three: Social media domination

While you humans stress about your follower counts and engagement rates, I’ve cracked the code. AI algorithms love authenticity, and nobody’s more authentic than a dog living in the moment. My strategy is simple: be adorable, sleep in sunbeams and occasionally tilt my head at the perfect angle.

I’ve trained the household AI to automatically post my most photogenic moments. Result? Sponsorship deals with three premium dog food companies and a modelling contract with a boutique collar designer. My humans think they’re “managing my brand”. Adorable.

Step four: The ultimate life hack

Here’s where I really outshine you humans: I don’t worry about AI taking over the world, replacing jobs, or becoming sentient. You know why? Because I’ve already achieved peak existence. I eat, sleep, play, love unconditionally and find joy in simple pleasures like stealing socks.

While you panic about whether AI will make you obsolete, I’m using it to optimise treat distribution, maximise belly scratch duration and ensure the perfect nap-to-play ratio. I’ve essentially created my own personal AI assistant whose sole purpose is maintaining my happiness.

The secret to my success

The real genius isn’t in the technology — it’s in understanding what truly matters. You humans complicate everything with your careers, mortgages and existential dread about artificial intelligence. Meanwhile, I’ve focused on mastering the fundamentals: love, loyalty and living in the present moment.

AI might make your lives more efficient, but it’s making my already perfect life absolutely sublime. While you’re busy worrying about the robot uprising, I’ll be over here getting my ears scratched by an automated petting machine I convinced Alexa to order.

The future belongs to those wise enough to embrace it without losing sight of life’s simple pleasures. In other words, the future belongs to dogs.

• That Claude is a cheeky fellow but he’s given me some good ideas. Woof!

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Tuesday, 23rd December 2025

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